i blame maude: August 2010

I have recently developed a little crush on a fellow that we will, for his sake and mine, call Clive.

crush face

After no movement from his side I decided to take the matter into my own peen-deflecting hands.

This is risky for a number of reasons - namely, I repel men, so chances of success are slim.

With this reason in mind, I speculated one thing:

Can a repeller become a propeller?

To this, Anna Lou replied "A leopard print one-sie will never be Guess hotpants, and you my dear are the one-sie".

Working in the service industry, the only encounters I have with Clive are from the other side of a big counter (not likely to change any time soon).

Even though I have come to terms with my Man-Repelling, it doesn't ease the anxiety that comes from putting oneself 'out there'.

When I asked the one excrutiating question to Camden*; "what if I'm rejected?" I felt infinitely better.

Camden: "Who gives a fat fuck? Six billion other people in the world."

Camden

Keeping these sentiments close, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt the impossible.

Creativity always scores high in my books - so I wanted to go about this in some sort of innovative, never-before-seen way.

I reached out to a number of friends, who helped me to create a masterful and extraordinary plan.

Together, we came up with a number of ways to convey to him my interest.

Re-enacted below are my favourite options, should you wish to try them out yourself. Do let me know if you do - we can see which is most effective! (It'll be fun!)

one. Give him a random item as a token of my interest - such as a spoon or an avocado.

two. Write him a note with appropriate message, fold into paper plane and fly at his head, then run away.

three. Write him a note, employ skilled origami maker to create work of art with note, then deliver via post to his work.

four. Draw him a picture and deliver to him.

And my favourite of them all, with thanks to my friend Will:

::::Drum Roll:::::

five. Write a song and employ a selection of friends to perform it. Whilst performing, friends will reveal their stomachs to show him a single digit of my phone number. Song lyrics suggested include: "Clive, Clive He's our man, did you know I'm your biggest fan!"

Will's idea left me overcome with ~~fear~~ enjoyment, however I decided something less extravagent may be more fitting.

I couldn't dispel an image of myself throwing the note in a frenzied fit at the poor fellow, then running out the doors, arms flailing, sobbing hysterically.

In the end I took the least fear-enducing route; because I'm a pussy.

[See below the note].

Folded into a $10, I handed over my note, then ~~ran away, arms flailing, sobbing hysterically~~ disappeared mysteriously into the crowd

At the end of it all, having heard not a single peep from our note receiver, I have at least achieved success in a few notable areas:

one. I have successfully fucked up my chances of enjoying the location Clive works at, forever**.

two. I have successfully illustrated what NOT to do.

three. I have successfully convinced Clive that I am a freak.

*More to come on Camden
** Okay, maybe not forever. Definately for at least an entire week.

Sydneysider 1: "It's 13 degrees outside ..."

Sydneysider 2: "It's 13 degrees outside!"

Sydneysider 1: "It's 13 fudging degrees outside!!"

Together: "WHAT DO WE DO?!!!"

This is the typical winter dialogue for most Sydneysiders when the mercury deviates from our usual temperate perfection.

But in our attempts to replace our usual weekend muntfest with some hearty indoor goodness; we came across one of the greatest cinematic treasures of all time: Robogeisha!

The story is about Yoshie, who is the beautiful sister to the geisha Kikuyakko. Together they are recruited by the handsome Hikaru to help overthrow the corrupt Japanese government, agreeing to become cyborgs in his geisha army!